It all started on Friday, August 21st, 2020.
I woke up, and just like any other typical weekday mornings, I went for my morning run before opening my computer and getting to work.
On my run, I noticed this pain in my back. It was a dull pain, but every time I took a deep inhale in, the pain became more severe.
I got home from my run thinking that it was just a little bit of stress that was causing the pain and that it would go away as the day progressed. So, I continued with my typical morning routine as per usual.
I logged in to work at 9 a.m. At this time, the pain was getting more severe with every passing hour. I wasn’t able to sit in my chair comfortably and became incredibly restless.
The more I thought about the pain I was feeling, the more severe this pain became. The more severe this pain became, the more I continued to think about it. Not a good combination.
I almost made it through the workday, but an hour before I could leave work, I because shivering and feeling sick.
I got up from my desk, turned on a hot shower (perks of working from home), and sat in there for 25 minutes. But no matter how hot the shower got, I was still shivering.
When I got out of the shower, I logged off of work and tried to lay in my bed. Every position I tried to lay in, I felt as though I was being stabbed in the back. After an hour of tossing and turning, I walked upstairs hunched over, and jumped in a hot bath.
Honestly, this was the only thing that helped. It still wasn’t all that comfortable, but it was better than what I had been experiencing all day.
After sitting in there for 45 minutes, I got out and tried to have dinner with my family. But while standing there dishing up my plate, I began to feel faint, so I immediately took my plate to my room and tried to lay back down.
A few hours passed, and by this time, I was feeling miserable. I was lightheaded, cold to the bone, and even the slightest inhale felt as though somebody had stuck a knife in my back and was twisting it. I’m not one to go to the hospital, but I knew that I really had no choice at this point.
When I got to the hospital, the nurses said I was running a fever of 100-degrees. I was experiencing COVID-like symptoms (thankfully I tested negative), so was put in a room where nurses only entered if they were wearing hazmat suits.
I was in the room until about 1 a.m. By this time, I had gone through various tests, had blood drawn, did a CT scan, and had the luxury of getting a stick stuck way up into my nose. Still, the nurses and doctors didn’t know what was going on.
Thinking that it might be COVID, they gave me some pain medication and told me to go home and quarantine myself from everybody until my test results came back.
It was 2 a.m. when I was laying in my bed, and I had one thought passing through my mind. “How am I ever going to get a blog post up in time for tomorrow.”
I wish I could say that I was kidding, but I’m not. Even as I laid in my hospital bed, this was the thought that was constantly passing through my mind – even more so than thoughts of my health and well-being.
That’s where my priorities were at though. I was so fixated on getting to 1,000 consecutive days of blogging that I was thinking about getting a post uploaded while I was laying on a hospital bed in the ER.
Part of me felt as though I was working myself to death. I mean, we all know that our goals and dreams change over time. What you wanted in life two years ago is probably different than what you want today. For me, I was trying to achieve the dreams I have for myself today while also trying to achieve the dreams that I had for myself two years ago. It was constant.
Needless to say, I was working myself to death. I was putting so much stress and pressure on myself that it was beginning to impact my physical and mental health. And forget about experiencing life. I wasn’t really doing much of that either because I was more focused on having a blog post up every single day that I wouldn’t allow myself to disconnect and step away to experience life.
I remember laying in my bed at 2 a.m. feeling like shit. Not just the pain in my back, but also because I was feeling like a hypocrite. So much of what I write about and what I am passionate about is helping others to achieve their dreams and live a better life, but I wasn’t really doing that for myself.
At this point, I decided to call it a wrap. I had a good run, but God had other plans for me. He wanted me to start taking care of myself again and get back to living the best life that I could possibly live. He used this panic attack or whatever it was as a wakeup call to get me to focus on what’s truly important.
When I decided that I was going to end the streak of daily consecutive blog posts, this weight was lifted off of me. While the pain was still there, I was finally able to breathe a little bit deeper than I had all day.
With that, I knew I had made the right decision.
What I Am Hoping Will Change
It hasn’t been all that long since all of this happened, but I feel as though I am making strides. I am managing my stress and anxiety a tiny bit better, I am making my physical and mental health a priority again, and overall, I truly feel lighter and happier.
In ending my daily blog, I am really hoping that I will finally start putting myself out there more. I will admit that with daily blogging, that was my main priority. As much as I loved doing it and the challenge it gave me, it also consumed me enough to the point where I was never putting myself out there and experiencing life.
I haven’t been on a date in God knows how long. I haven’t shut off for a weekend to give myself a break. It’s been a constant go, go, go mentality for the last 2+ years.
I write a lot about making the most out of life, but I can’t help but wonder how much of life I missed out on because I was too busy telling others to live their life instead of living my own.
I am also hoping that it will help to spark my creativity again so that when I do write, it isn’t just some bullshit “how to” or “ways to” article. Some of these posts are actually fun to write, but I will admit that some were just ideas that came to my head that I wasn’t all too passionate about.
As a writer, this was wrong of me to do. I want to build a connection with others through my writing and write because I want to, not because I feel obligated to. I want to help others on a more personal level – a deeper level, not just helping to overcome the challenges they are dealing with on the surface.
Really the only way to do this is to build a connection through being transparent, authentic, and attentive. Unfortunately, I lost this connection in the mad rush of trying to post a new blog post daily.
P.S. if you haven’t tried doing something for 1,000 days straight, shit’s pretty hard to do. There were times where I was searching my mind for ideas to write about but only saw tumbleweed.
By blogging three times a week, twice a week, or once a week (I don’t know what that looks like yet), I am hoping to regain that creative spark again and start writing again for the reason I started doing so in the first place; because I enjoy it. I am hoping to regain my authenticity and to have passion and purpose spewing from the words I write.
Actually, that will be my promise moving forward. If I am not being authentic or passionate about what I am writing, then I’m simply not going to do it.
Trying To Find Balance In My Life
As with everything in life, we need to find a sense of balance.
Life is amazing. It truly is. But it’s also important to reflect on the fact that every time you say yes to one thing, you are saying no to a million other things.
I am not going to say that I regret starting a daily blog or that I regret daily blogging for the 844 days I did, but as time continues to pass, our lives and our desires change. I learned a lot about myself throughout those 844 days, most of it good. But I also learned that there is more to life than having a new blog post published on a daily basis. I learned that I needed to find a more stable sense of balance in my life, one that was going to help me progress towards my goals, but also one that was going to allow me to truly live my life to the fullest.
I guess that’s why I’m not willing to commit to a schedule when it comes to blogging in the future. I just want to write when I want to write and live how I want when I want.
A Big Thank You To You
To everyone who has read my blog up to this point, thank you. Thank you for taking the time out of your day to read about my life, to read about the thoughts I was thinking (or the thoughts I was forcing myself to think about), and for the support and motivation to become the best version of me that I can be.
From here on out, it’s only onwards and upwards. It’s time that I start truly living my best life and take you along for the journey.