It’s been two years since I last stepped on the scale and read the numbers on it. After years of stepping on the scale each and every single day, I had allowed my quality of life to be determined by the numbers that were reflecting back at me.
The last time that I weighed myself, I was in such a bad spot mentally that it was a challenge for me to find anything to be happy about with my life. I was skinny, my confidence was non-existent, and overall, life felt more like a chore than it did a blessing.
It was exhausting waking up every single morning and trying to beat a new low weigh-in. Every decision that I made over the course of the day was made in such a way to ensure that I would not allow myself to gain weight the following day.
If I didn’t exercise, I wouldn’t eat. If I ate too much, then I would spend hours in the gym lifting weights or running miles on end trying to burn the calories off. Whatever I had to do, I was willing to do it. I just didn’t want to see the number on the scale increase.
While I still am skinny, there is a sense of freedom that I have gained from not worrying about waking up every single morning and immediately running to the scale. I have managed to venture out of my comfort zone and have expanded my horizons. And the improvements that I have made all started when I decided to stop weighing myself and allow the scale to determine the life that I was living.
Do I Still Suffer From An Eating Disorder?
To answer this, yes. While I would like to think that there will be a day where I don’t think about my eating disorder, I don’t know if I will ever fully recover from it.
I don’t know if I will ever be able to look at a desert again and not second guess whether or not I should eat it. And to be completely transparent, I don’t know if I will be able to go out to eat again and not wonder if I should try to eat the healthiest option on the menu. While I have made strides with my eating disorder, I just don’t know if it will ever be something that will be completely removed from my life.
What I hope everybody realizes and takes away from the mistakes that I have made, is that while it might be bad to consume unhealthy junk food, soda, and sweets, it’s also just as bad to overly stress about every little piece of food that you put into your body. There is a fine line between being healthy and being obsessive. When you are overly concerned with what you eat, you may just end up finding yourself in a similar situation as me.
The Purpose of Food
Food is fuel. Much like how a car needs gasoline to function efficiently, the body needs fuel in order to function efficiently as well. But when you suffer from an eating disorder (at least the one that I have suffered from), you don’t see it that way. I wasn’t eating food as a way to fuel my body properly. I was eating food to get as skinny as possible and just enough so that my body could function.
At the time when my eating disorder was at its worst, not only was I was running around 20 miles a week, but I was also weight training six days a week as well. Sometimes, I would even go for two runs or workout two times in one day. It was all dependent on the food that I was consuming.
Again, while exercise is still something that I do on a daily basis, I do it mainly because I like exercising and moving my body. No longer I don’t necessarily go into the gym anymore for the sole purpose of beating myself into the ground.
Why I Haven’t Weighed Myself In Two Years
I haven’t weighed myself in two years because I wanted to get away from the mindset in which I was allowing my weight to determine my overall quality of life.
For years I had missed out on opportunities with friends and family. I wouldn’t break out of my comfort zone and experience anything new because I feared that I wouldn’t have control over the food that I ate. As a way to prevent myself from ever being tempted to break out of my comfort zone, I just shut myself off.
I knew that I wanted to change my life and stop living for the number that was on the scale, and the only way to change my life was to change my habits. I had to peace with my body, with my appearance, and with my mind. In order to do so, that meant that I had to let the scale go. I needed to release myself from the burdens that it caused me once and for all.
The only exception to this has been at the doctor’s appointments. But even when I step on the scale at the doctor’s office, I nicely ask them not to say the number out loud and be sure to look away. Part of me fears that if I see the number, I will either slip back into old habits, or I will look down on myself for whatever that number is.
Every Day Is A Process
Every single day is a process. There are some days where food is constantly on my mind, and there are other days where I don’t really care about it. Either way, it’s something that I am continuously working on, and an area of my life that I am trying to improve on each and every day. That’s just about all I can do.
I have had to change a lot of my habits. I have had to stop reading nutrition articles on the internet, turn whenever somebody talks about dieting, and I have had to stop watching a lot of the fitness YouTube channels that I used to indulge in.
Food and diet are not two words that I want others to remember me by, and if I want to change, then I need to continue to improve as much as I can day in and day out.
If there is one thing that I hope everybody takes away from this, it’s that being healthy is so much more than calories burned, pounds lost, the size of our waist, and yes, the number on the scale.
Life is not about who can be the skinniest, have the least amount of fat on their body, or who can eat the least amount of calories. Life is about living for the moment, being mindful of the thoughts that you think, and making the most out of the very moment in which you are living. At least that’s how I am trying to see life, which is why I haven’t weighed myself in two years.
You are worth so much more than the number on the scale. Don’t let it control the life that you live. Hold nothing back and make the most out of each and every moment because it may very well be your last.