We Need To Talk About Depression More Than Ever
This past week, suicide has taken many lives of many all over the world, including the lives of some well known celebrities. Depression is a deep and dark place that many of us will experience. It is not something to be ashamed about, but rather it is something that you should be open about. The more open we are about depression, the better understanding we have on how it affects different people. More than ever before, we need to talk about depression. And we need to talk about it with honesty. Here is how depression almost defeated me.
I graduated college in December of 2015. About six months earlier, my dad had accepted a new job in Salt Lake City, Utah. After living my entire life in Minnesota, I decided that I would make the venture out with my family and try something new. I found a job that I liked, but I was in a new place with absolutely no friends. Imagine being the new kid at school, only worse. At least when you are at school you are forced to get to know people. For me, it was all about seclusion. I didn’t put myself out there to meet anyone, and really only developed one true friendship.
Utah was not for me. To be fair, it had nothing to do with Utah, but I just wasn’t ever comfortable there. After going through a downward spiral for six months, I decided it was time to move back to Minnesota.
Looking back, I can still clearly remember the day. The day that depression almost took my life. The day I almost took my life because of depression. It was the day before I was moving back to Minnesota. I had spent my day crying in my room while packing boxes and I remember feeling like such a failure. A failure to my friends in Minnesota because I didn’t keep in contact with them when I left. But more so, I felt like a failure to my parents. My parents have gone out of their way for me their entire lives and I didn’t even give Utah a chance. Expecting that everything would come easy and life would be amazing there, I just never found my happiness.
My parents were going to go spend the day at the Sri Sri Radha Krishna Temple in Utah. I told them that I was just going to stay home and finish packing boxes. It was at this time that I was truly contemplating on harming myself while they were gone. I didn’t really know what else to do. I felt like a failure to both my family and my friends to the point that I didn’t see what more there was to live for. Part of me didn’t think going back to Minnesota would help. I didn’t feel like I would have friends anymore and I was going back without a job. The other part of me felt like I was hurting my family by staying or moving back.
My parents knew something was going on. They knew that I had zero intentions of going with them, but for some reason, they continued to hound me to go with. I just kept saying no until I got my way. I didn’t want to ruin their day with my negativity and I just wanted to be by myself. They didn’t need to see my pain or know what I was thinking. I assured them that everything was fine and to go enjoy their day.
Our basement door shut and I heard the car engine ignite in the garage. The moment that I heard that door shut, I broke down with tears streaming down my face. All I could think about was that it might be the last time that I was going to see my parents again. I stood there numb, not know what to do next.
By some miraculous way of God’s amazing grace, my mom came back into the house to grab her water bottle. I tried to dry the tears from my face, but it didn’t work. She saw me balling and came to comfort me. She knew that I was having a hard time and didn’t feel comfortable leaving me home alone. At this point, it wasn’t a matter of if I wanted to go with, and instead she basically forced me to go with.
Look at the picture above. That picture was taken only a few hours after my breakdown. Look at the face on the left. That is me. There is so much life left in that face. There is hope and there is strength. All of the life, strength, and hope was about to be gone because of a rash and selfish decision.
Now, look at the two other faces. Those are my amazing parents. Look at their happiness and the love that fills their faces. All of this love that might have been destroyed if my parents would have left without forgetting something as small as a water bottle. All of this might have been destroyed if their youngest child was left home alone.
Depression is difficult. Trust me, I have been there. No matter where you are in your fight, suicide is not the answer. You might think that the world is better off without you, but no matter what, it isn’t. There will always going to be people that love you, and there will always be people that care about you. You are strong, you are beautiful, and your life is absolutely worth living. All you have to do is believe and never give up.
Would I actually have done anything to myself that day? I can’t be certain, but I do know that it was the closest that I have ever came and the only time I have really thought about it. I was about to jeopardize the greatest gift ever because of a rash decision. Why did God really made my mom come back into the house? I have no idea, but I am glad that He did. Everyday since then has been nothing but a blessing. A blessing because I am still here and a blessing because I am living my best life. I am a survivor, I am a warrior, and I am strong. This is the mindset that we all need to have and never forget.
I am not sharing this story in search for any empathy whatsoever. I am sharing this because depression and suicide are taking more and more lives every single day. Whether you are a famous star or a small town country boy, you have a life to live. You will never be alone in your fight no matter how alone you might feel. There will always be people to support you, all you need to do is speak up.
It is now more important than ever for survivors and people affected by depression to raise awareness. Even if you do not have depression, you do know someone who does suffer from it. Imagine life without them. It’s a scary thought, right? There will always be something to talk about and something that we can do to raise more awareness until there are absolutely zero deaths due to suicide. So please, join me in this fight to raise awareness. Join me in the discussion of a illness that is taking far too many lives. Join me so that we can help put an end to suicide once and for all.
If you are having thoughts or suicide, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or visit them here: National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
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