Nothing Will Ever Be Perfect
I want to start this post by giving a shout out to my sister for challenging me in writing this post. As someone who has always been there for me, and someone who has seen me struggle, it was her words that challenged me to write this. While I try to spread a message of motivation and positivity, it is also important to stay grounded and humble. I am proud of how far I have come in conquering my struggles, but I will never be perfect. In fact, nothing will ever be perfect. Nothing will ever be perfect in my life, and nothing will ever be perfect in your life.
In my opinion, part of growing as a person is being dealing with humility. If you never deal with humility, you will never be able to remain humble. Today, that’s what I want to do. I want to show you that even though I am making progress in my life, and even though I am happy with the progress that I have made, I am still far from perfect. In fact, I still struggle every single day. To be as transparent as possible, here are some things that I still struggle with.
I place food first because it is the thing that I still struggle with the most. Have I made progress with food, and have I built a better relationship? Yes. I can actually go out and enjoy dinner with family or friends without having a panic attack. But I would be lying to myself if I said that I didn’t still battle with an eating disorder on a daily basis.
There are times where I still find myself looking at the nutrition labels on food to see what I am putting into my body. There are also times where I will drink extra water to make myself feel more full. But I am not focused on being perfect. I realized that my eating disorder will always be in the back of my mind. As long as I improve each and every day, even by the smallest margins, that is a win in my book.
It’s actually fun going into the gym now and focusing on building strength. Instead of exercising for the sole purpose of losing fat and be as skinny as possible, now I exercise to become stronger and build muscle. I feel stronger, I believe I look healthier, and I actually enjoy going to the gym instead of forcing myself to.
It is still far from perfect. Listening to my body is one of the hardest things for me to do. After years of self-abuse and pushing myself to extremes, it is hard for me to tell when my body is just sore, and when it needs a rest. I still exercise too many days a week without giving myself a break. I still run or do some other type of cardio each time that I go to the gym. And I sometimes feel that if I don’t push myself hard enough, then I will be a failure.
If you knew me before I started my blog, you would know how irritated I would easily become. Seriously, it was either my way, or no way. It wasn’t that I didn’t like people or their ideas, but I had to have control with everything that I did in my life. If I didn’t have control, I would not be comfortable. If I was not comfortable, well then you did not want to be around me.
Even though it is much improved, there is a lot, and I mean a lot of room for improvement. While I lash out less, it takes a lot of convincing to get me to break my comfort zone. It’s almost as if I don’t trust the choices of others. Sometimes, I even struggle to trust those closest to me and those who want only the best for me.
I am going to be very Minnesotan here and say uff da. Number used to and still do consume my mind. I have realized that we are all worth more than any number can display, but everything that my life was before was built on numbers. How much money I had saved, how many calories I was eating, how much I weighed. I used to weigh myself at least once, maybe even three times a day. As of today, I haven’t stepped on the scale in five months. I don’t have any desire to, nor do I have any intention of doing so in the near future. But that is what I saw myself as, I saw myself as a number.
Even with breaking free of the scale, I still struggle with numbers. I still save my money because I like to see how much I can have. I still save my money because I fear that I might lose my job. Even though I work incredibly hard, there is still that little bit of fear in the back of my mind. The same goes for calories. I sometimes catch myself reverting back to my old habits. It isn’t until I reflect on my goals that I realize I am going in the wrong direction.
So to my sister, to my family, and to my friends, thank you. Thank you for supporting me, thank you for bettering me, and thank you for helping me to realize that nothing will ever be perfect. Even with how far I have come, there is still loads of improvements to be made. But honestly, I am excited. I can’t wait to enjoy every bit of improvement that I make, and live my life to the fullest. Life isn’t about being perfect. Life is about being the best that you can be. And being the best that I can be is how I intend to live!
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