I Am At My Best When…

i am my best when

i am at my best

I am somewhere between the highs and lows.

I like to think of myself as a pretty happy person. In what used to be a 50-50 percent chance of me being happy, I am please to say that it has now changed to a 90-10 percent chance of being happy. At least I think so…

I don’t know about you, but if you were to ask me, these are pretty good odds.

But even being happy the majority of the time, I still found myself wanting more. I want what everyone wants, and that is to be happy all of the time.

When is it that I am my best me? What was the difference between me being happy, and me being down on myself? Why can’t I just wake up every single day, be happy, and have everything that I could ever imagine?

After a lot of pondering, I think I found the answer to my own question. The answer for when i am at my best.

Obviously I am not happy when I am at the lowest of lows and angry at every little thing in life (yes, I do have days like this). But to be completely honest, I am also not truly happy when I am at the highest of highs.

Instead, that 90 percent chance of me being happy falls somewhere in the wide and vague spectrum that lies between the lowest of lows and the highest of highs. Pretty specific, right?

Now you might be thinking, “Duh, nobody is happy when they are at their low points, but how aren’t you happy when you are at your high points?” Truth be told, I really don’t know. I just tend to overthink things that bring me right back to reality.

It is as if part of me knows that the current high point that I am experiencing is not going to last, and that there is a crash approaching that is going to knock me on my ass. A gut wrenching crash back to reality.

So what do i do? I prepare myself for that crash landing just so that when it does strike, I am not completely and utterly disappointed.

We all know what it is like to feel low and disappointed. For most of us, we experience this feeling on a regular basis. But here is where it gets tricky and confusing.

When I am experiencing those high points in my life, I still do not believe that I am truly happy. And I mean this. I have noticed that I tend to let my ego take over, and I let that ego reflect on my actions.

I forget to appreciate the people around me, the world in which I live in, and the amazing gift of life. The only thing that I do appreciate during during these times, is myself. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love who I have become, but I am still not a better person than anyone else

Plus, these high points leave me feeling somewhat empty. I am not overcoming any obstacle. I am not learning from my mistakes. And I am truly not reflecting on what it is that I can do better the next time around. These are all thoughts that fill my mind on a consistent basis.

I know this sounds like a bunch of cliche blibber blabber, but it is the truth. The honest, and utmost truth.

As I sit here and reflect, I guess I am happy with being happy “only” 90% of the time. It certainly is better than the 50-50 chance that I was at before. Plus, we all need to have bad days. Without the bad, we wouldn’t know what the good in life were to feel like. We wouldn’t know what it means to face adversity, and we wouldn’t know what the true strength that we possess.

So that big, huge , wide spectrum between being miserable and being high on life, that is truly when I am at my best, and when I am the happiest.

Michael Bonnell

10/3/2018

 

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