Daily Blog #240
There was a time in my life where my biggest fear was death. Every time I would think about death, I would become stressed and anxious, my mind would start speeding at a million miles per hour, and my hands would start sweating profusely.
I didn’t want to die. I had not accomplished the things that I had yet wanted to accomplish in life. And I definitely knew that there was so much more of my life to be lived – life that for some reason, I seemed to be hoarding for later years.
What was it that I was waiting for? Why was it that I was willing to miss out on present memories just to have an uncertain opportunity to make other memories in the future? A future that consists of so many uncertainties, that realistically, we don’t know if we will even be alive in an hour. How long will I be able to enjoy those future memories before I die. Would I even have the opportunity to experience these memories that I was “saving up” for?
Then, it struck me – death.
If I die tomorrow, what would I think of the life that I have lived up to this point? Would I be able to look back on my life at any given moment knowing that I made the most of every moment, and lived my life to the absolutely fullest? Or would I look back with disappointment in wishing that I would have created more memories, experienced all that life has to offer, and sought adventure?
That moment, that is when I knew that I needed to change. Death – the one thing that I had always feared in my life had quickly become the one thing that motivated me to change my life. It was the thing that was motivating me to live a better life.
I realized that I was wasting my current life just for the uncertainty of tomorrow. All of the days and years that I was hoarding for my uncertain future were nothing but an imaginary thought. Not only is tomorrow not certain, but let’s be real, nothing ever goes as planned. I was letting my thoughts become my reality, and my present was becoming a waste.
I simply had no desire to live the current life that I was living. And because I only wanted to see the outcome, I became miserable. Friends had come and gone, memories had been sacrificed by my “play it safe” mentality, and days were just becoming an “X” on the calendar instead of a reflection in my head.
Most people don’t want to admit it, but I have no problem doing so – the thought of dying motivates me every single day to live the best life that I possibly can. I want to be able to look back on my life and know that I lived every single moment to the fullest, loved every second, and held nothing back.
Well, here I am. Here I am living the best life that I have ever lived. All because I took the one thing that scared me above all else, and used it to motivate me each and every single day. I am not perfect, I do not take every adventure that comes around, and I do not always have the best days. But the life that I have right now, I am being honest when I say that I wouldn’t trade it for the world. This is what life is supposed to be about, and I am blessed enough to be living it.
It’s weird, but I no longer fear the thought of death. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I want to die anytime soon. But if I do, at least I know that I will be able to look back on my life with happiness, contentedness, and the confidence that I lived the best life that I possibly could. To me, that is one of the greatest feelings in the world.
Michael Bonnell
12/26/2018
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